Posted by: vftmom247 | 2012/06/03

Middle Ground Somewhere…?

I think somewhere on here, I explained a bit about the theory from St. Ignatius on consolation and desolation, but just to re-cap: consolation is the feeling that all is right in your relationship with God, that you are going in the way He intends you to go, and all is simpatico. In simple terms. Desolation is when you feel like God has deserted you, that you and He are not communicating, confusion, darkness, etc. Once again, this is put in really simplistic terms, with apologies to Brother John, who ran my silent retreat based on Ignatian principles.

The problem I’m having is that there is no middle ground in this theory. And that is where I hopefully only temporarily am. To backtrack a bit…about two weeks ago, I got rushed to the hospital with kidney stones. Due to an insurance/hospital/doctor miscommunication, I left the hospital with the doggone things still in, and (after a series of conversations with all involved parties)will have a series of lithotripsies (shock waves to try to bash the not so little suckers into sand grains) beginning next week. So I was in a German hospital, with not so much German on my part and varying degrees of English on the hospital’s part. Not knowing quite what was going on with the whole hospitalization, fervently glad that this was not my first kidney stone so I at least knew what was going on there.

A little ticked off at God? Ya think? A little questioning going on about what God’s plan for me was, and if He’d totally thought it out? Oh, yeah! A mental tantrum at God about the size of what my daughter can pull? Um, maybe… Have I mentioned that Reconciliation is a wonderful sacrament?

Like I said, not quite desolation, but so not in consolation. God is used to me yelling at Him, though. Remember, He is the ultimate father – sometimes (like my own dad) He does something for our own good that we don’t like, and we yell at Him, He doesn’t back down, we grumble, and then concede that He was right all along. That’s about where He and I are at the moment. He is in my corner, the insurance did come through, I figured out I’ve got more German than I thought after a couple of really good conversations with my hospital roommates about LifeTeen and kidney stones. I’m still not really sure why He thought it necessary to land me in a hospital in a foreign country, but figure the reasons will get revealed in time – His time, not mine. He and I are working through it. This might just be the ultimate lesson in giving in to God’s will, and letting His will be done rather than trying to make my will be done. As usual, I don’t have the faintest idea – but He does, and He will tell me in His own sweet time, no matter how much impatient I get. No matter how much I fuss at Him, He’ll just smile at me, wait for my faith to over-rule my emotions, and things will come through in the way He wants things to go.  In spite of me.

God’s will, not mine.

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Responses

  1. So sorry for your kidney stones – I’ve had 8 episodes the past 2 yrs. The pain really gets the ‘Lord have mercy’ prayers going full on!! Blessings & prayers for you & your family in Germany!

    • They are indeed a literal pain. It’s amazing though the difference in the German and the American treatment. Thank you so much for the prayers. I will be hoping your kidney stones stay gone 🙂


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